don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
