Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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