Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
