I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
