dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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