Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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