I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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