now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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