def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
