I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think people are normalizing furries
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
