a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
