If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
