The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
