I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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