I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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