This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
