When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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