does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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