I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
