Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
