I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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