How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
