If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
