now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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