I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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