dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
