It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
