she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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