This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
