Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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