I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
