I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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