I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
