I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
