White coat. Heels.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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