I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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