I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
