and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
