6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The air taste purple.
Randomize
