Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
