the condom got lost in my hair
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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