Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
