have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
