I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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