I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
