After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
