New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
