my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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