i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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