I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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