those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
