Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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