Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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