I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
