I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
