When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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