Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
