watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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