My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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