My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just found puke in my bra..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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